


Fantasy

by Synonyms



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Gore, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, TW: Suicide, tw: suicide idealization
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-02
Updated: 2016-05-02
Packaged: 2018-06-05 22:55:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,628
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6726712
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Synonyms/pseuds/Synonyms
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes, Haise likes to indulge in his fantasy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fantasy

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: Just in case it wasn't clear enough, SUICIDE, SUICIDE IDEALIZATION, gore, implied abuse.  
> Mood music: [hope](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=plb8QRS2p1g).  
> Happy early Children's Day/Boy's Day/Dragon Day/Insect-killing Day, Haise! Early because the Parasitology midterm will have killed me on the actual day. Haha. I wrote this in three days straight instead of studying for that midterm or the Organic Chem 2 final because this fic just wouldn't let me sleep. Literally. Like, I woke up 4+ times each night for three days straight because the words just wouldn't stop. Haha. What is life.  
> I need to sleep.  
> As always, completely unbetaed. Because I don't have a beta reader.

Fantasy...

\---

I want to die.

.

.

.

Crawling along the sewer of corpses, I continue to dream, even though I know that I should have stopped long ago, even though my dream tastes of nothing but rotten fish and bitter coffee, even though my dream had already ended,

for I can no longer wake up.

.

.

.

I don't want to wake up.

.

.

.

I dream of Father, who would have crawled into my ear with his hundred legs and stolen me away from my cage of safety. I dream of Mother, who would have gently scratched inside my stomach for me as I hit the water. I dream of myself, who would have gouged **myself _(NONOTYOUNEVERYOUPLEASENO)_** out to satisfy my Parents inside my stomach. The pregnant beast I would have burst forth with dirty red blood, and I would have died.

It should have been easy, really, to devour my own intestines and be done with it, just like the Panther had done. It should have been easy, really, to valiantly kill the beast with my last burst of strength and die loved in your arms, just like a good human would have done. It should have been easy, really, to break my promise to you and grant my own selfish wish all by myself, just like Mother had done,

but I didn't.

"Yo, Kaneki.”

"…You were …always… suffering like that….. You won’t need it any more, that mask.”

"Let's go home."

"I want to save you.”

"Eat me."

.

.

.

"I’m letting you know that you’re worth saving."

.

.

.

In my checkered mind, your beautiful corpse mocks me with your happy smile.

The tiles I am standing on are bloody. Your color has long been stained red and disappeared.

.

"Can you fight for me at full power one more time?"

.

One splash. Two splashes. Three splashes. I turn my back to you and run away, away into the abyss.

Not yet. Not yet. Not yet.

.

In the distance, I sing my last aria.

.

Having crawled along the sewer of corpses, I continue to dream, even though I know that I should have stopped long ago, even though my dream tastes of nothing but sweet blood and bitter coffee, even though my dream had already ended,

for I can no longer wake up.

.

.

.

I didn't wake up.

.

.

.

Father crawled into my ear with his hundred legs and stole me away from my cage of safety. Mother gently scratched inside my stomach for me as I hit the water. I gouged **myself** ( ** _NONOTYOUNEVERYOUPLEASENO_** ) out to satisfy my Parents inside my stomach. The pregnant moon I burst forth with dirty red light, and I died.

It was easy, really, to devour my own intestines and be done with it, just like the Panther had done. It was easy, really, to valiantly kill the beast with my last burst of strength and die loved in your arms, just like a good human would have done. It was easy, really, to break my promise to you and grant my own selfish wish all by myself, just like Mother had done,

and I did.

"It is OK if you lose because of your love and kindness, Ken. A kind person only needs those things in order to be happy."

"There’s no way someone is going to come save you. The only “one” here is you.”

"The pain and hunger drown out all reasons, and it’s so painful, you’d rather die, right? In order to be released from this agony, it doesn’t matter what it takes even if it means using your friend’s life, right?... And then after you’ve gobbled him down, you’d be left alone to regret it while covered in blood and guts. That’s the hunger of a “ghoul”. That’s our destiny.”

"Rank 1 Sasaki.”

"How palpitating. I love you, Kaneki Ken.”

.

.

.

"We're totally the same!"

.

.

.

In my checkered mind, the ugly I smiled. I was happy.

The tiles I was lying on were bloody. Inside of me, I saw your color. The yellow cord reminded me of the pasta that we used to share in our Heaven.

.

"My dear lost one, your parents failed in raising you.”

.          

All were silent as I turned my back to you and ran away, away into the abyss.

There was nothing left for me there,

and I died.

.

In the distance, I sing my last aria.

.

Strangled by a monster, I continue to dream, even though I know that I should have stopped long ago, even though my dream tastes of nothing but rotten fish and bitter coffee, even though my dream had already ended,

for I can no longer wake up.

.

.

.

I don't want to wake up.

.

.

.

I dream of Father, who should have cut me down and set me free. I dream of Mother, who should have had her kagune around my throat as she shaped me to her desire. I dream of the darkness that would have swallowed me whole. The pregnant beast I would have burst forth with dirty red blood, and I would have died.

It would have easy, really, to throw myself at Mother and be done with it, just like a rose had done. It would have been easy, really, to squeeze my hands tighter and devour my own intestines and die loved in your arms, just like the white child had done. It would have been easy, really, to break my promise to you and leave my children behind in the den of lions all by themselves, just like Mother had done,

but I didn't.

"Look, look! How about me?!”

"___”

"Maman, do-don’t go!

"So please, Sassan, could you teach me how to use my Kagune?”

"Everyone loved my onii-chan.”

.

.

.

"This body is no longer my own."

.

.

.

On top of a monster, the bottom half of my ugly corpse mocks me with its happy smile.

The tiles I am standing on are bloody. Your color had long been stained red and disappeared.

.

"Can you fight for me at full power one more time?"

.

One splash. Two splashes. Three splashes. I turn my back to you and run away, away into the abyss.

Not yet. Not yet. Not yet.

.

In the distance, I sing my last aria.

.

Having been strangled by a monster, I continue to dream, even though I know that I should have stopped long ago, even though my dream tastes of nothing but sweet blood and bitter coffee, even though my dream had already ended,

for I can no longer wake up.

.

.

.

I didn't wake up.

Father cut me down and set me free. Mother had her kagune around my throat as she shaped me to her desire. Darkness swallowed me whole. The pregnant moon I burst forth with dirty red light, and I died.

It was easy, really, to throw myself at Mother and be done with it, just like a rose had done. It was easy, really, to squeeze my hands tighter and devour my own intestines and die loved in your arms, just like the white child had done. It was easy, really, to break my promise to you and leave my children behind in the den of lions all by themselves, just like Mother had done,

and I did.

"What’s the matter, you strange child?”

"Everything is **your** fault.”

"There is no reason to be protected by you.”

"Sleep for a while, Haise.”

"You just love taking a hit, don’t you?”

.

.

.

"We're totally the same!"

.

.

.

Dying a monster, the ugly I smiled. I was happy.

The tiles I was lying on were bloody. In the corner of my eyes, I saw your color. The yellow cord reminded me of the pasta that we used to share in our Heaven.

.

"My dear lost one, your parents failed in raising you."

.

All were silent as I turned my back to you and ran away, away into the abyss.

There was nothing left for me there,

and I died.

.

In the distance, I sing my last aria.

.

Being torn into pieces by a monster, I continue to dream, even though I know that I should have stopped long ago, even though my dream tastes of nothing but rotten fish and bitter coffee, even though my dream had already ended,

for I can no long wake up.

.

.

.

I don't want to wake up.

.

.

.

I dream of adoring eyes that would have cried for me. I dream of Mother, who would have gently scratched inside my stomach for me as I fell asleep. I dream of myself, who should have gouged **myself** **_(NONOTYOUNEVERYOUPLEASENO)_** out to satisfy the Parents in my ear. The pregnant beast I would have burst forth with dirty red blood, and I would have died.

It would have been easy, really, to throw myself at Father and be done with it, just like she had done. It should have been easy, really, to valiantly choose myself and kill the beast with my last burst of strength and die loved in your arms, just like a good human would have done. It would have been easy, really, to break my promise to you and grant my own selfish wish all by myself, just like Mother had done,

but I didn't.

"Not up for Asian history, huh… Still need notes?”

"Rabbits die of loneliness, you know!!”

"You can go back before me.”

"So, do you want to become friends with me?”

"Seems like this is… a dead end.”

.

.

.

"Hey, you, are you eating okay? You look kind of pale. If you don’t eat, your body won’t hold up."

.

.

.

On top of a monster, my ugly torn corpse mocks me with its happy smile.

The tiles I am standing on are bloody. Your color had long been stained red and disappeared.

.

"Can you fight for me at full power one more time?"

.

One splash. Two splashes. Three splashes. I turn my back to you and run away, away into the abyss.

Not yet. Not yet. Not yet.

.

In the distance, I sing my last aria.

.

Having been torn into pieces by a monster, I continue to dream, even though I know that I should have stopped long ago, even though my dream tastes of nothing but sweet blood and bitter coffee, even though my dream had already ended,

for I can no longer wakes up.

.

.

.

I didn't wake up.

.

.

.

Adoring eyes cried for me. Mother gently scratched inside my stomach for me as I fell asleep. I gouged **myself** **_(NONOTYOUNEVERYOUPLEASENO)_** out to satisfy the Parents inside my ear. The pregnant moon I burst forth with dirty red light, and I died.

It was easy, really, to throw myself at Father and be done with it, just like she had done. It was easy, really, to valiantly choose myself and kill the beast with my last burst of strength and die loved in your arms, just like a good human would have done. It was easy, really, to break my promise to you and grant my own selfish wish all by myself, just like Mother had done,

and I did.

"Instead of a person who hurts others, become a person who gets hurt.”

"That’s not “ **kindness** ”. That’s only “ **weakness** ”. She wasn’t “ **prepared** ” enough to throw anything away.”

"You’re pretending that you’re thinking about others, but in the end, you’re just thinking about yourself. Truthfully, it’s only that you don’t want to be alone.”

"Sleep for a while, Haise.”

"You just love taking a hit, don’t you?”

.

.

.

"We're totally the same!"

.

.

.

Dying a monster, the ugly I smiled. I was happy.

The tiles I was lying on were bloody. Your color had long been stained red and disappeared.

.

"My dear lost one, your parents failed in raising you."

.

All were silent as I turned my back to you and ran away, away into the abyss.

There was nothing left for me there,

and I died.

.

In the distance, I sing my last aria.

.

Having crawled along the sewer of corpses, I continue to dream, even though I know that I should have stopped long ago, even though my dream tastes of nothing but sweet blood and bitter coffee, even though my dream had already ended,

for I can no longer wake up.

.

.

.

I didn't wake up.

.

.

.

Father crawled into my ear with his hundred legs and stole me away from my cage of sanity. Mother gently scratched inside my stomach for me as I hit the water. I gouged **myself** ( ** _NONOTYOUNEVERYOUPLEASENO_** ) out to satisfy my Parents inside my stomach. The pregnant moon I burst forth with dirty red light, and I died.

It was easy, really, to devour my own intestines and be done with it, just like the Panther had done. It was easy, really, to valiantly kill the beast with my last burst of strength and die loved in your arms, just like a good human would have done. It was easy, really, to break my promise to you and grant my own selfish wish all by myself, just like Mother had done,

and I did.

"I’m fine.”

"You might have to throw away that precious friend of yours, too, and it’s your own fault.”

"As someone who can’t be called one or the other, there’s nowhere you belong.”

"Who are you?”

"The child who lost their way back home has forgotten even the fact of going back. And so, they wish for death once again.”

.

.

"We're totally the same!"

.

.

.

In my checkered mind, the ugly I smiled. I was happy.

The tiles I was lying on were bloody. Inside of me, I saw your color. The yellow cord reminded me of the pasta that we used to share in our Heaven. With my last burst of strength, I made a rope out of myself, intending on falling for you one last time, but alas, I failed. My rotten rope could not reach you any more than Icarus’ wax wings could.

In the sky, you continued to shine so brightly.

.

"My dear lost one, your parents failed in raising you.”

.          

All were silent as I turned my back to you and ran away, away into the abyss.

There was nothing left for me there,

and I died.

.

In the distance, I sing my last aria.

.

Standing on top of the crumbling tower of corpses, I continue to dream, even though I know that I should have stopped long ago, even though my dream tastes of nothing but rotten fish and bitter coffee, even though my dream had already ended,

for I can no longer wake up.

.

.

.

I don't want to wake up.

.

.

.

I dream of adoring eyes that would have cried for me. I dream of the cold wind that would have bitten at my open wounds before I would have hit the ground. I dream of the darkness that would have swallowed me whole. The pregnant beast I would have burst forth with dirty red blood, and I would have died.

It would have been easy, really, to fall over the ledge and be done with it, just like a rose had done. It would have been easy, really, to reach for the sun and die loved in your arms, just like Icarus had done. It would have been easy, really, to break my promise to you and leave my children behind in the den of lions all by themselves, just like Mother had done,

but I didn't.

"Look, look! How about me?!”

“___”

"Maman, do-don’t go!

"So please, Sassan, could you teach me how to use my Kagune?”

"Everyone loved my onii-chan.”

.

.

.

"If maybe your memories return, will you quit being a ghoul investigator?"

.

.

.

On the pavement below, my ugly corpse mocks me with its happy smile.

The tiles I am standing on are bloody. Your color had long been stained red and disappeared.

.

"Can you fight for me at full power one more time?"

.

One splash. Two splashes. Three splashes. I turn my back to you and run away, away into the abyss.

Not yet. Not yet. Not yet.

.

In the distance, I sing my last aria.

.

Having fallen from the crumbling tower of corpses, I continue to dream, even though I know that I should have stopped long ago, even though my dream tastes of nothing but sweet blood and bitter coffee, even though my dream had already ended,

for I can no longer wake up.

.

.

.

I didn't wake up.

.

.

.

Adoring eyes cried for me. The cold wind bit at my open wounds before I hit the ground. Darkness swallowed me whole. The pregnant moon I burst forth with dirty red light, and I died.

It was easy, really, to fall over the ledge and be done with it, just like a rose had done. It was easy, really, to reach for the sun and be loved for once, just like Icarus had done. It was easy, really, to break my promise to you and leave my children behind in the den of lions all by themselves, just like Mother had done,

and I did.

“What's the matter, you strange child?"

"Oh, my, did you die?"

"Don't return to Anteiku!"

"Rank 1 Sasaki.”

“Why do you run? Let me just kill you real quick.”

.

.

"We’re totally the same!"

.

.

.

On the pavement below, the ugly I smiled. I was happy.

The tiles I was lying on were bloody. Inside of me, I saw your color. The yellow cord reminded me of the pasta that we used to share in our Heaven. With my last burst of strength, I made a rope out of myself, intending on falling for you one last time, but alas, I failed. My rotten rope could not reach you any more than Icarus’ wax wings could.

In the sky, you continued to shine so brightly. Blinded, I closed my eyes from you and slept on.

Even then, around me and inside me, you were warm.

.

"My dear lost one, your parents failed in raising you.”

.                                                                  

All were silent as I turned my back to you and ran away, away into the abyss.

There was nothing left for me there,

and I died.

.

In the distance, I sing my last aria.

.

Sitting next to mother's long-cold corpse, I continue to dream, even though I know that I should have stopped long ago, even though my dream tastes of nothing but sweet blood and bitter coffee, even though my dream had already ended,

for I can no longer wake up.

.

.

.

I didn't wake up.

.

.

.

Only you cried for me. The empty house shivered and creaked with my weight as my neck snapped. Darkness swallowed me whole. The pregnant moon I burst forth with dirty red light, and I died.

It was easy, really, to kick the chair and be done with it, just like Mother had done. It was easy, really, to reach for the sun and be loved for once, just like Icarus had done. It was easy, really, to break my promise to you and leave you behind all by yourself, just like Mother had done,

and I did.

"It is OK if you lose because of your love and kindness, Ken. A kind person only needs those things in order to be happy."

"Hey, you, are you eating okay? You look kind of pale. If you don’t eat, your body won’t hold up."

"The pain and hunger drown out all reasons, and it’s so painful, you’d rather die, right? In order to be released from this agony, it doesn’t matter what it takes even if it means using your friend’s life, right?... And then after you’ve gobbled him down, you’d be left alone to regret it while covered in blood and guts. That’s the hunger of a “ghoul”. That’s our destiny.”

“You are… yourself…. Names are….”

"Eat me."

.

"We're totally the same!"

.

Dying a human, the ugly I smiled. I was happy.

The tiles you were standing on were tinted yellow from the sunlight.

.

"My dear lost one, your parents failed in raising you."

.

All were silent as I turned my back to you and ran away, away into the abyss.

There was nothing left for me there,

and I died.

.

In the distance, I sing my last aria.

.

Kneeling before the Death God, I continue to dream, even though I know that I should have stopped long ago, even though my dream tastes of nothing but sweet blood and bitter coffee, even though my dream had already ended,

for I can no longer wake up.

.

.

.

I don't want to wake up.

.

.

.

I dream of you, who would have cried for me. I dream of the purple shiran that would have bloomed from my eye sockets and erased my existence as I fell asleep. I dream of the red higanbana that would have swallowed me whole. The pregnant beast I would have burst forth with dirty red blood, and I would have died.

It would have been easy, really, to throw myself at Father and be done with it, just like the crushed shiran had done. It would have been easy, really, to not fight back and stay silent and be devoured and die loved in your arms, just like a good human would have done. It would have been easy, really, to break my promise to you and grant my own selfish wish all by myself, just like Mother had done,

but I didn't.

"Yo, Kaneki.”

"…You were …always… suffering like that….. You won’t need it any more, that mask.”

"Let's go home."

"I want to save you.”

"Eat me."

.

.

.

"I’m letting you know that you’re worth saving."

.

.

.

In my checkered mind, your beautiful corpse mocks me with your happy smile.

The tiles I am lying on are bloody. Inside of me, I see your color. The yellow cord reminds me of the pasta that we used to share in our Heaven. With my last burst of strength, I make a rope out of myself, intending on falling for you one last time, but alas, I fails. My rotten rope cannot reach you any more than Icarus’ wax wings could.

In the sky, you continue to shine so brightly. Blinded, I close my eyes from you and sleep on.

Even then, around me and inside me, you are warm. Your color is warm, the honey you pour down my throat is warm, but the warmest of all is the lullaby of sweet nothings you whisper into my ears.

.

"Can you fight for me at full power one more time?"

.

One stab. Two stabs. Three stabs. I turn my back to you and run away, away into the abyss.

Not yet. Not yet. Not yet.

.

In the distance, I sing my last aria.

.

Having kneeled before the Death God, I continue to dream, even though I know that I should have stopped long ago, even though my dream tastes of nothing but sweet blood and bitter coffee, even though my dream had already ended,

for I can no longer wake up.

.

.

.

I didn't wake up.

.

.

.

You cried for me. Purple shiran bloomed from my eye sockets and erased my existence as I fell asleep. Red higanbana swallowed me whole. The pregnant moon I burst forth with dirty red light, and I died.

It was easy, really, to throw myself at Father and be done with it, just like the crushed shiran had done. It was easy, really, to not fight back and stay silent and be devoured and die loved in your arms, just like a good human would have done. It was easy, really, to break my promise to you and grant my own selfish wish all by myself, just like Mother had done,

and I did.

“I'm fine."

"…You were …always… suffering like that….. You won’t need it any more, that mask.”

"You’re pretending that you’re thinking about others, but in the end, you’re just thinking about yourself. Truthfully, it’s only that you don’t want to be alone.”

“Let’s go home.”

“Eat me."

.

.

.

"We’re totally the same!"

.

.

.

In my checkered mind, the ugly I smiled. I was happy.

The tiles I was lying on were bloody. Inside of me, I saw your color. The yellow cord reminded me of the pasta that we used to share in our Heaven. With my last burst of strength, I made a rope out of myself, intending on falling for you one last time, but alas, I failed. My rotten rope could not reach you any more than Icarus’ wax wings could.

In the sky, you continued to shine so brightly. Blinded, I closed my eyes from you and slept on.

Even then, around me and inside me, you were warm. Your color was warm, the honey you poured down my throat was warm, but the warmest of all was the lullaby of sweet nothings you whispered into my ears.

Euphoria, love, joy, happiness, acceptance, forgiveness, reunion, your siren song sung of such kind words that I could barely comprehend, lost as I was in the hazy mist of my own mind, and yet, just for a brief time, I did.

.

Once, you loved me.

.

"My dear lost one, your parents failed in raising you.”

.                                                                  

All were silent as I turned my back to you and ran away, away into the abyss.

There was nothing left for me there,

and I died.

.

In the distance, I sing my last aria.

.

Sitting in my cold room, I continue to dream, even though I know that I should have stopped long ago, even though my dream tastes of nothing but sweet blood and bitter coffee, even though my dream had already ended,

for I can no longer wake up.

.

.

.

I didn't wake up.

.

.

.

You cried for me. Purple shiran bloomed from my eye sockets and erased my existence as I went back to sleep. Red higanbana swallowed me whole. The pregnant moon I burst forth with dirty red light, and I died.

It was easy, really, to devour my own intestines and be done with it, just like the Panther had done. It was easy, really, to impale myself on this inherited sword and reach for you one last time and die loved in your arms, just like Icarus had done. It was easy, really, to break my promise to you and grant my own selfish wish all by myself, just like Mother had done,

and I did.

“I'm fine."

"…You were …always… suffering like that….. You won’t need it any more, that mask.”

"The pain and hunger drown out all reasons, and it’s so painful, you’d rather die, right? In order to be released from this agony, it doesn’t matter what it takes even if it means using your friend’s life, right?... And then after you’ve gobbled him down, you’d be left alone to regret it while covered in blood and guts. That’s the hunger of a “ghoul”. That’s our destiny.”

“Sleep for a while, Haise.”

“Eat me."

.

.

"We’re totally the same!"

.

.

.

In my checkered mind, the ugly I smiled. I was happy.

The tiles I was lying on were bloody. Inside of me, I saw your color. The yellow cord reminded me of the pasta that we used to share in our Heaven. With my last burst of strength, I made a rope out of myself, intending on falling for you one last time, but alas, I failed. My rotten rope could not reach you any more than Icarus’ wax wings could.

In the sky, you continued to shine so brightly. Blinded, I closed my eyes from you and slept on.

Even then, around me and inside me, you were warm. Your color was warm, the honey you poured down my throat was warm, but the warmest of all was the lullaby of sweet nothings you whispered into my ears.

Euphoria, love, joy, happiness, acceptance, forgiveness, reunion, your siren song sung of such kind words that I could barely comprehend, lost as I was in the hazy mist of my own mind, and yet, just for a brief time, I did.

.

Once, you loved me.

.

The tiles you were lying on were tinted yellow from the sunlight.

.

"My dear lost one, your parents failed in raising you.”

.                                                                  

All were silent as I turned my back to you and ran away, away into the abyss.

There was nothing left for me there,

and I died.

.

In the distance, I sing my last aria.

.

Having kneeled before the Death God, I continue to dream, even though I know that I should have stopped long ago, even though my dream tastes of nothing but sweet blood and bitter coffee, even though my dream had already ended,

for I can no longer wake up.

.

.

.

I didn't wake up.

.

.

.

You cried for me. Purple shiran bloomed from my eye sockets and erased my existence as I went back to sleep. Red higanbana swallowed me whole. The pregnant moon I burst forth with dirty red light, and I died.

It was easy, really, to just devour my own intestines and be done with it, just like the Panther had done. It was easy, really, to just valiantly kill the beast with my last burst of strength and die loved in your arms, just like a good human would have done. It was easy, really, to break my promise to you and grant my own selfish wish all by myself, just like Mother had done,

and I did.

"Instead of a person who hurts others, become a person who gets hurt.”

"That’s not “ **kindness** ”. That’s only “ **weakness** ”. She wasn’t “ **prepared** ” enough to throw anything away.”

"You’re pretending that you’re thinking about others, but in the end, you’re just thinking about yourself. Truthfully, it’s only that you don’t want to be alone.”

"Sleep for a while, Haise.”

"Eat me.”

"The child who lost their way back home has forgotten even the fact of going back. And so, they wish for death once again.”

.

.

"We’re totally the same!"

.

.

.

In my checkered mind, the ugly I smiled. I was happy.

The tiles I was lying on were bloody. In the corner of my eyes, I saw that the tiles you were lying on were tinted yellow from the sunlight.

Weren’t you supposed to be standing? Why would you be lying down? The one who died was me, not you. Come on, sleepy head, time for you to wake up. I needed you to cry for me, you know.

.

Right in front of my eyes, your color were being stained red and disappearing.

.

"You can go back before me.”

.

.

.

**_NONOTYOUNEVERYOUPLEASENONONOTYOUNEVERYOUPLEASENONONOTYOUNEVERYOUPLEASENONONOTYOUNEVERYOUPLEASENONONOTYOUNEVERYOUPLEASENONONOTYOUNEVERYOUPLEASENONONOTYOUNEVERYOUPLEASENONONOTYOUNEVERYOUPLEASENONONOTYOUNEVERYOUPLEASENONONOTYOUNEVERYOUPLEASENONONOTYOUNEVERYOUPLEASENO____ **

.

.

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Snatched from my happy dream, the wounded beast I burst forth with dirty red blood from my eyes.

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The tiles! The tiles! Ah, they were all red!

.

.

.

Why?

.

.

.

Why?

.

.

.

Why?

.

.

.

Why did you leave me behind, Hide?

.

.

.

Why?

.

.

.

"My dear lost one, your parents failed in raising you.”

.                                                                  

All were silent as I turned my back to you and ran away, away into the abyss.

There was nothing left for me there,

and I died.

.

In the distance, I sing my last aria.

.

Sitting in my cold room, I continue to dream, even though I know that I should have stopped long ago, even though my dream tastes of nothing but sweet blood and bitter coffee, even though my dream had already ended,

for I can no longer wake up.

.

.

.

I didn't wake up.

.

.

.

You cried for me. Purple shiran bloomed from my eye sockets and erased my existence as I went back to sleep. Red higanbana swallowed me whole. The pregnant moon I burst forth with dirty red light, and I died.

It was easy, really, to devour my own intestines and be done with it, just like the Panther had done. It was easy, really, to valiantly kill the beast with my last burst of strength and impale myself on this inherited sword and reach for you one last time and die loved in your arms, just like Icarus had done. It was easy, really, to break my promise to you and grant my own selfish wish all by myself, just like Mother had done,

and I did.

"It is OK if you lose because of your love and kindness, Ken. A kind person only needs those things in order to be happy."

"Everything is **your** fault.”

“The pain and hunger drown out all reasons, and it’s so painful, you’d rather die, right? In order to be released from this agony, it doesn’t matter what it takes even if it means using your friend’s life, right?... And then after you’ve gobbled him down, you’d be left alone to regret it while covered in blood and guts. That’s the hunger of a “ghoul”. That’s our destiny.”

"Sleep for a while, Haise.”

"The child who lost their way back home has forgotten even the fact of going back. And so, they wish for death once again.”

.

.

"We're totally the same!"

.

.

.

In my checkered mind, the ugly I smiled. I was happy.

The tiles I was laying on were bloody. Inside of me, I searched for your color. The sword I inherited from Father wasn’t a tantou, but it would have to do (for I could not bear to use any other). First, I tied my legs with a rope to ensure a dignified position. Then, from left to right, with Father’s sword, I slit my stomach open, ruining the beautiful red kimono that Mother left behind. Splash, splash, splash, the pregnant moon I burst forth with dirty red light, but I didn’t died. The hands of Mother crawled themselves out of my back and offered to be my second, shredding my ripped clothes to pieces. Grudgingly, I accepted (for you know how much I hated being a burden to Mother). Shaping a sword out of her scaly hands, she hit my neck from behind with her monstrous strength. My head almost flew off, but luckily, because Mother was very skillful, I was still hanging by a thin strip of skin on my neck. Truly, it was a work of art, but I didn’t die.

.

Ah, weren’t I supposed to have slashed my arteries in one stroke first?

.

Embracing myself, I turned around to beg for help (again) from Mother, but she had been gone already. Even though my kimono had changed shape, its color remained the same, for it had been born red.

.

"It is OK if you lose because of your love and kindness, Ken. A kind person only needs those things in order to be happy."

.

There was only one thing left to do, then.

Severing the last strip of skin, ruining Mother’s beautiful work, I set aside myself and tried to eviscerate myself again. From left to right, from top to bottom, from left to right, with Father’s sword, I slit my stomach open for the second time. Squelch, squelch, squelch, the pregnant moon I burst forth with dirty red light, but I didn’t die. Inside of me, I searched for your color.

Amidst all the red mush of my intestines and clothes, I found a yellow cord that reminded me of the pasta that we used to share in our Heaven. With my last burst of strength, I made a rope out of myself, intending on falling for you one last time, but alas, I failed. The yellow cord inside me was too slippery to be a good rope, so I didn’t die. My rotten rope could not reach you any more than Icarus’ wax wings could.

In the sky, you continued to shine so brightly. Blinded, I closed my eyes from you and slept on.

Even then, around me and inside me, you were warm. Your color was warm, the honey you poured down my throat was warm, but the warmest of all was the lullaby of sweet nothings you whispered into my ears.

Euphoria, love, joy, happiness, acceptance, forgiveness, reunion, your siren song sung of such kind words that I could barely comprehend, lost as I was in the hazy mist of my own mind, and yet, just for a brief time, I did.

.

Once, you loved me.

.

"My dear lost one, your parents failed in raising you.”

.

In the distance, you sang your siren’s song. Holding my head in my hands, naked body barely covered by a few pieces of red clothes, I followed your voice and walked to the end of the field of higanbana to arrive at the river of our childhood.

.

Standing next to the river of corpses and serpents, I continued to dream, even though I knew that I should have stopped long ago, even though my dream tasted of nothing but sweet blood and bitter coffee, even though my dream had already ended,

for I could no longer wake up.

.

.

.

I didn’t wake up.

.

.

.

You sung for me. Cold water bit at my open wounds as I fell asleep again. Darkness swallowed me whole. The pregnant moon I burst forth with dirty red light, and I died.

It was easy, really, to just devour my own intestines and be done with it, just like the Panther had done. It was easy, really, to just valiantly kill the beast with my last burst of strength and reach for the sun and die loved in your arms, just like a good human would have done. It was easy, really, to break my promise to you and grant my own selfish wish all by myself, just like Mother had done,

and I did.

"It is OK if you lose because of your love and kindness, Ken. A kind person only needs those things in order to be happy."

"Everything is **your** fault.”

“The pain and hunger drown out all reasons, and it’s so painful, you’d rather die, right? In order to be released from this agony, it doesn’t matter what it takes even if it means using your friend’s life, right?... And then after you’ve gobbled him down, you’d be left alone to regret it while covered in blood and guts. That’s the hunger of a “ghoul”. That’s our destiny.”

"Sleep for a while, Haise.”

"The child who lost their way back home has forgotten even the fact of going back. And so, they wish for death once again.”

.

.

.

“We’re totally the same!”

.

.

.

In the depth of the river, held in your arms, the ugly I smiled, and I died. I was happy. I was happy. I was happy. I was the happiest I have ever been! Surely, this was the perfect ending for us,

but

.

where were the tiles? I couldn’t see them.

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Where was your color? I couldn’t see it.

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Where were you?! I couldn’t see you!

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Where were you?! I wanted to see you!

.

.

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I want to see you.

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I want to see you.

.

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I want to see you.

.

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"Can you fight for me at full power one more time?"

.

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___Ah.

\---

.

.

.

In my fantasy, I died

of rotting insides, strangled,

torn into pieces,

eaten alive,

falling, hanged, stabbed, stabbed, stabbed,

dreaming of being killed by you.

In my tragedy,

you are siren's euphoria,

for which my last aria bloomed

and wilted

and disappeared.

Under your hands, I died,

The ideal ending I've yearned for,

longed for,

wished for,

in my dream.

.

.

.

In my fantasy, I died,

but for now,

in my tragedy,

I'll keep waiting for you.

.

.

.

Not yet. Not yet. Not yet.

 

.

.

.

\---

...and tragedy.

\---

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"Right now, is that time."

.          

All were silent as I turned my back to you and ran away, away into the abyss.

There was nothing left for me there,

and I died.

.

In the distance, I sing my last aria.

.

Kneeling before the Death God, I continue to dream, even though I know that I should have stopped long ago, even though my dream tastes of nothing but sweet blood and bitter coffee, even though my dream had already ended,

for I can no longer wake up.

.

.

.

I want to die.

**Author's Note:**

> Apparently, the best way to cure circular thoughts is to write them down in fanfic form so that by the time you finish the fic, your brain will have also gotten so sick of it that it stops all by itself, too. XD


End file.
